The Systemic Way
The Systemic Way Podcast is a therapy and mental health podcast featuring conversations with experts, practitioners, researchers, and people with lived experience from the worlds of systemic psychotherapy, family therapy, psychology, social work, and community practice. Hosted by Sezer and Julie, two systemic and family psychotherapists, the podcast explores mental health, relationships, trauma, resilience, social justice, culture, and change. Through engaging discussions on theory, practice, and real-world experiences, listeners gain a deeper understanding of how systemic and relational approaches can support individuals, families, organisations, and communities.
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Music by Rena Paid
The Systemic Way
"Thinking Theory, Talking Ordinary": John Burnham on his Approaches, Methods and Techniques to Therapy, Supervision and Training.
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Join us for an inspiring and personal conversation with John Burnham, a true trailblazer in systemic psychotherapy and a visionary in the field of family therapy. With a career spanning over five decades, John has dedicated his life to transforming the way we understand and approach mental health, particularly in the context of eating disorders and family dynamics.
In this insightful podcast episode, John Burnham, reflects on his decades-long career, sharing personal and professional experiences that have shaped his approach to systemic psychotherapy. He discusses the importance of relationships, both in therapy and in life, emphasizing how trust, risk-taking, and role-playing are essential tools for growth and connection.
John recounts memorable moments from his practice, including how live supervision and reflective teams have influenced his work, and highlights the value of humility, curiosity, and adaptability in therapeutic practice. He also touches on the evolution of family therapy, the importance of staying relevant in the field, and his hopes for its future. With warmth and wisdom, John offers a heartfelt exploration of what it means to be a therapist, a colleague, and a lifelong learner in the ever-changing landscape of psychotherapy.
Summary of episode:
- Role of Role Play in Learning:
- Importance of role play in helping students learn by making mistakes, recovering, and moving forward.
- Example of a supervisor demonstrating techniques with families in front of students, which students found helpful.
- Overcoming Fear of Failure:
- Students often hold back due to fear of making mistakes or not knowing how to start.
- Encouragement to take action, even if clumsy, rather than waiting to be "clever" or perfect.
- Families can be forgiving and collaborative in the process.
- Engaging Families in Therapy:
- Therapists need to show willingness to engage with families before expecting families to engage in therapy.
- Importance of taking initiative and co-creating solutions with families.
- Example of a therapist reading through a client's extensive notes and deciding to engage based on the person, not just the notes.
- Building Trust with Marginalized Families:
- Some families, such as same-sex couples, may fear judgment or criticism from therapists.
- Therapists need to reach out and create a safe space for these families to engage.
- Example of a therapist meeting a same-sex couple at the top of the stairs to reassure them and invite them into therapy.
- Ethics of Offering Therapy:
- Debate on whether to offer therapy without meeting the client first.
- Perspective that it is unethical to reject clients without meeting them and understanding their unique situation.
- Personal Reflections on Career and Privilege:
- Gratitude for being able to work in a field that is fulfilling and impactful.
- Reflection on the privilege of loving one's job and making a contribution to others' lives.
- Connection to personal family history, such as a parent who trained as a family therapist but never practiced.
- Decolonization in Family Therapy:
- Family therapy as a decolonizing process against the medical model and individualization.
- Discussion of presentism and judging past actions by current standards.
- Reflection on the lack of exposure to racial issues in a monocultural environment and how that shaped early understanding.
- Intergenerational Impact of Training:
- Therapists training the children of those they previously trained, highlighting the long-term impact of their work.
Welcome to the Systemic Way. In today's episode, Julie and I are thrilled to have a truly remarkable guest joining us, John Burnham. He's a pioneer in the field of systemic psychotherapy and a passionate advocate for innovative therapeutic practices. John began his journey as a social worker back in 1974 and has since dedicated his career to transforming the lives of individuals and families, particularly in the realm of eating disorders. For many years, he served as a consultant family and systemic psychotherapist at the Parkview Clinic within Birmingham's Women and Children's Hospital, where his work left a lasting impact. In 1977, John founded a systemic training program, which he later directed, and where he continued to play a vital role as academic lead. His work is deeply influenced by systemic, narrative, and social construction theories, as well as his working class roots. John's practice is shaped by the groundbreaking ideas of thinkers like Gianfranco Chaquin, Queenie Harris, Carl Tom, Sharon Bond, Michael White, and others. And in our podcast today, we talk about some of the legacy of his relationship with these people. His professional passions include rigid theory and practice, fostering self and relational reflexivity, and creating solidarity among young people, parents, and professionals through multiple family therapy. He's also known for his creative use of theory and practice, and many will know his ideas on the social graces, which help clients and practitioners make sense of their experiences. Today we'll dive into John's incredible journey, his unique approach to therapy, and how he continues to inspire and innovate in the field. Julie, if we share some of our reflections on the episode and think about the things that stood out for us. If I can kick us off, and something that really stood out for me was um not only John's passion and and drive to for this work, but his um humanness, his humour, he's the the quality he's he brings as a person that really just kind of exude how he talks, and just this real um belief in working in a relational way. It was really it's inspiring hearing him talk, and uh, he can kind of um just draw ideas all together and bring them all together in a very natural and normal way that just made made it so accessible and understanding his theories and his approaches. But it was really he's just um him as a person really came came alive to me. Like, you know, we've we've read both of us have been reading his work for years, right? Well, to really spend that time and talk to him about his some of his passions beyond and outside of the systemic field really provided a much more rounded image and view of such a great man in our field. You Julie, what's something that stuck out for you?
SPEAKER_04Thanks, Cesar. I mean, I think I sort of echo a lot of the things that you've shared, but I suppose to add something to it, I feel like the spirit and energy of John is um from that conversation that we've had has kind of stayed with me when you know throughout my practice. And when I go in and I'm about to start a session, I might have like a moment of thinking back to John, of thinking about this way of relating, of bringing humour into the room, um, of even standing up and interacting and being playful and being creative. And it just sort of invigorates, he invigorates the theory for me. And I think you get a real flavour and a sense of that from the conversation that we've had with him. So I hope people find this conversation, listening to it as invigorating as we did. I hope it puts a smile on your face and gives people something to think about and take away into their practice. Enjoy.
SPEAKER_00Welcome, John Burnham to the Systemic Way podcast. It's really fantastic to have you there. Thanks for having you, having me. Yes, crap, take two. It really is such a great honor. And uh, you're you're a man who really needs no introduction to our field, but we will try to. As a um an international triathlete, John Vernon. That's that's how we would like to introduce you. That's right, yeah. Um I'm I'm interested in hearing about that, John. As and I don't know if that's a story that many people know, really, as your kind of your successful career. I was just looking on the website of is it 12 different kind of international competitions as a triathlete over the years?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah. About over the last lifelong runner. Um it was my saving grace at school that um I got into trouble, but I was their best runner, so they kept me on. And um then I think maybe 10, 12 years ago, um, I was just my running was um well, I felt like going uphill, not downhill, but uh a series of personal worsts. So I shifted to triathlons and really a new lease of athletic life, you know. Um virtually learning to swim again and uh cycle and uh then got into the GB team and um been doing that ever ever since. Really, really good. So amazing a whole different set of people than you do at work.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I I I'm really curious about being a lifelong runner as you describe yourself, and and now when there's an international trifle here, what you've learned about yourself really, and and and maybe about I don't know if this question is too wide, but about the human condition.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's interesting use of the word condition when you think about running and that. Um that's okay. I wasn't expecting that one. Um well the words that come to mind are perseverance and mixed with fun, you know, because perseverance often you have that sense of um determination and you know focus and things like this. But it's um what one coach I had said, remember, this is supposed to be fun. You're doing this, you're not earning a living like this, you're doing this for fun. And I think that's um helped me each day I go out, each session I do. I think you're doing this to the best of your ability and enjoy this, you know, for what it is, not for what you as you deteriorate, you know, over time, um, that uh you could get despondent. And um so I think it enjoy for what it is, not how what you used to be able to do, or although I do tell those stories as well, but uh enjoy for what it is now, um and be glad that you can still do this, because a lot of people you know aren't able to do that. So enjoy it for yourself and for sometimes for others who can't do it but come and support and uh um watch and so on. Look like you're enjoying it, smile at people on the way.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they're two really interesting words, John, in perseverance well and and then sense of fun. Yeah. Um yes, I'm really interested, I guess, in how that kind of influences the type of therapy or training that you do.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think that those those words could be applied equally to to therapy. There's a sense of perseverance, not giving up, going that extra mile for in each circumstance. And I think humor, I think is uh always been a regular part of my life growing up um f for various reasons, um both in my family and in um the area I grew up as a reputation for having a sense of humor. And um so but also per perseverance, not giving up, keep on going um against the odds sometimes, um but with some hope and you know that things will um turn out. Some things will improve, even though sometimes they look like they're not going to. You know, it looks there's no way that this is going to improve and so on. And then you just keep going, keep going, and then something shifts, and it's not nothing great. Um I was reminded of a woman I worked with and a daughter, and uh the mum had many hospital admissions with uh ambulance and police coming and uh her struggling and being taken off and the daughter seeing this and so on. And um the work we did together um uh had some funny moments in it, but where we got to was that she didn't stop needing admission to hospital often, but it moved towards her going into hospital with some dignity. That um from time to time um her mental health would deteriorate, but she learned to listen to her daughter and her friends and say, Look, we think that you're gonna need some help at the moment. You're not yourself. And at one time she wouldn't listen to that, say, I'm all right, I'm all right, and then she'd go off and it would really deteriorate. But um, she learned to do that, listen to her daughter. Her daughter felt safer, knowing that her mother would listen to her and the friends and so on. And the daughter could ring the friends and say, da-da-da, and they'd come and talk to her, and she'd say, Okay, and then they would ring the the unit who knew her, and she would be admitted with dignity. Um, and they could plan for the daughter, and so it wouldn't need to be emergency foster care and things like this. So that wasn't uh the the best thing that could happen with no hospital admissions and no, but it was um an improvement on and we persevered for a long time with that, you know, to get there. And some fun along the way. Um and I think that when people can laugh at themselves, both clients and therapists, um, that's often a sign of I think that's an one of the reflexive indicators, laughing at yourself. You know, when you just think, wasn't that silly what I did there? As long as it doesn't lead to getting stuck in self-criticism, it can lead to self-reflexivity.
SPEAKER_04Thank you, John. Thank you for expanding on those words of perseverance and fun with you know with with some of your practice. Um, and it makes me feel a little bit easier in terms of the question that I want to ask you because I felt a bit like I was being quite restrictive in some ways in my question, because I wanted to ask you to give us three words to describe yourself as a family therapist, supervisor, and trainer. So we've already had two, so in a way, hopefully you don't feel too restricted. Please do, that would be great.
SPEAKER_03Well, I think the first one that comes to mind is cheeky in theoretical terms, uh irreverent. Um I'm also reverent um to practices and uh models sometimes when I need to be, uh, but irreverent, uh cheeky, creative in that way. Um hopeful. I like to think I'm reflective. I like to think that.
SPEAKER_04Okay. Do you do do you feel like those words, I suppose, when you started out uh in your work as a family therapist to now, is are any of those words you think you you've had all along, or are some of them changed?
SPEAKER_03I I think um the reverence and irreverence that I think that in order to be irreverent, you have to, I think, I think I've been reverent first. I've learned something off. If I learn a new model, whichever model it's been, I've um adhered to it. I've watched and copied until uh I've um kind of learned it off by heart. Um watching videotapes, reading books, rehearsing the questions, and so on. Um, and I have a phrase that if you learn something off by heart, then you can put your heart into doing what you've learned. So that once you've got that and you're not having to think about how to do an internalized interview, how to ask um reflexive questions, how to um extern, you know, engage in externalizing conversations. If you practiced and rehearsed that a lot, then when you're doing that with with someone, um, you're not doing it to them, you're doing it with them. You can be present with them as they're responding to this and noticing how they're responding and engaging them in that process. So I think that reverence, um Michael White said, Hey, I don't know where he got it from. He said it wasn't his, and I've looked and I can't find it. Said how one person says to another, how is it we all start off as originals and end up as copies? And the other person says, No, I think we all start off as copies and end up as originals, you know. So copying, and then gradually you put yourself into it and you're doing that thing, but in a way that looks like you, not like the person you learned it off and things like that. So I think uh I've always taken the reverent position in that way, and I think I help as a trainer, I think I help trainees to do that. Uh irreverent, um, I've cheeky, I've done some very strange things in therapy and training. Does the story come to mind there, John? Oh, a lot of stuff. Yeah. Um in one session, a young woman um with a diagnosis of OCD would come into the room. She was an inpatient, and she'd stand in the corner. And the work was to help her to, she'd been in the hospital for a while, to help her to re-engage with her parents. And she came into the room, and we did this maybe a social bit and things like this, and she'd chat and she'd do that. But as soon as you asked any question that sounded like therapy, what's that for? Why are you asking that? Don't answer that. You know, wasn't engaged and challenging and reluctant to answer, and uh, what's this about and so on. And um I said to her parents when she wasn't there, I said, you know, the purpose of these sessions is for her to reconnect with you. And I said, when we do the chat bit at the beginning, she's reconnecting with you. But then I think as a therapist, I should start to do therapy things, but that seems to spoil it, spoil it. So I said, is it all right with you if we just chat? You know, in the way that we do it to start with. And if I don't go to do asking those kind of therapy questions and so on, we just and they said that's okay. So I warmed the context for that, so they knew. And um, in one session, I took, I've got a Brompton folding bike. I don't know if you know them, and uh the dad was really interested in mechanics and and uh tractors, what was, and I got my folding bike and put it in the middle of the session, in the middle of the room, and they were in there, and the parents said, What's this for? I said, Ah, you'll find out later. And the young woman walked in and she was attracted to this and said, What's that? I said, Oh, that's my bike. Oh, yeah. She said, I've seen you coming to work on that. And uh she what's it here for? I said, Well, you'll find out. And so that was kind of like an arousal of curiosity, isn't it? When people are, you know, do something. Jacquin said, you know, about arousing curiosity in the mind of the therapist. Well, I think it's useful to arouse curiosity in the mind of the clients. That's useful as well. And um so I said to the um guy, I said that you know, you're interested in mechanics. I want to see if you can assemble this without any instructions. I don't know if you ever have you ever seen a Brompton bike put up. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I've tried.
SPEAKER_03Anyway, so he comes and starts doing this, and the girl stood in the corner, her usual position, and then she just can't resist. And she's coming forward and saying, I've seen him do it. You have to do the, you have to do the saddle first, you have to get the saddle up first, and then you have to do it. And she came in before long, she's engaged with them. And I just sit back and she's doing something with her parents. Practically, involvement in this, start to laugh a bit about this, and they did that, and then she went back to the corner, you know. And then the next time we do something else. So those kind of irreverent things. I mean, nobody trained me to do that. Although one of the first trainers I had, Brian Cade, was totally irreverent. He was one of the most creative, um, you know, um, I think I called him in the book I wrote, I called him a maverick. You know, he knew his stuff, he knew his theory, he knew all of the stuff, but he could apply it in ways which were, you know, really sparkling in terms of creativity. So there's that one. Um, there's a couple of others, but that was that's an example.
SPEAKER_00That's a lovely example, John. I really love and there it resonates so much in my work where I'm like, how do I kind of seek permission from a family to not do therapy in a way because of um how difficult it can be of that transition sometimes? And how do I how do I in a way articulate the benefits of this other stuff, which can be therapeutic as well? So I think yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03The job was the purpose was to get them re-reconnected. Doing it like that was happening to be connected. As soon as I did proper therapy, it stopped it. So I put them behind corners and um talk to people up trees, um uh told jokes, told personal stories, all sorts of things. I sure other people do too. But I think we're getting a bit more scared about doing it now. What what why what makes you see that or what do you think's influencing that? Well, sometimes there's a caution to offend, you know. I better not say that in case it offends put somebody. Uh uh, I might upset somebody, uh, I might have a complaint. Um you know, but I'm not saying they're not serious, but there's a there's sometimes a caution now. Sometimes uh the way that people interpret respect can be inhibit people from taking risks that are necessary to do therapy. So I think that's um I'm not saying disrespect people. Um and I think it's always like, are you disrespecting a person or the idea that's holding them back? You know, um there was a man who came out of prison after he'd been in for abusing his daughter. And I saw the couple after he'd come out from prison and um Noticed that um he interrupted the woman as she was talking. I know this sounds very unlikely, a man interrupting a woman, you know, but bear with me. And uh I said, you know, uh, how did to the woman she'd managed for six years, you know, on her own and things like this. And I said, uh, um, did he? I said, did you send her instructions about how to live and what to do when you went to prison? You know, he said, Well, I would, when she came to visit me, I would tell her, remember this, and and she'd done perfectly well. And I turned to her and said, How long have you had to pretend to be stupid? And she said, Immediately, since the day I got married. And then she withdrew it. And then he said, That's exactly right, she said. He said, I don't let her have an idea. If she puts an idea, no matter how good it is, I'll change it. I'll have to have the last say. And I thought it was a big movement in the therapy for him to admit that. But me saying something like that, how long have you had to pretend to be stupid? I don't know if I'd take that risk now. But it really was one of the things that shifted. And when he admitted um that and said took responsibility for that, and that was one of the things we worked on about him finding out how she'd managed and to learn something from her not always being the other way around. How does that sound to you two?
SPEAKER_00Like a constant thing that goes through my head of can I say this or how might they respond, or it might not come out the way I it sounds in my mind, or I might not be able to get my intention across.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I sometimes can overthink it and then lose lose the moment. It's almost like it's timing is so important as well, right?
SPEAKER_04It makes me think about I was thinking about the relationship and and who I would take, be a located take that what might be perceived as a risk with and who and who I might not be able to um as well.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_04Because I I'd like to think that I feel like I could, but I can and I can think of people that I feel like I've got that type of relationship with, and I can think of other people where I wouldn't.
SPEAKER_03Um Yeah, yeah. That was the first session.
SPEAKER_04Wasn't it? Yeah. That was a so that's interesting to me. Yeah, like how how many people in a first session? I find I'd struggle to think of that.
SPEAKER_03That's interesting what you said, Cesar, about you're having the thought and you're wondering about where to say it, and then maybe the moment goes. Sometimes that kind of thought would come out of my mouth, and then I'd think, oh my goodness, what have I said? So it'd be those kind of things that come out where you the filter doesn't work. There's a saying in in Newcastle, um, if it if it's in your heater to your gob, you know, that process of you've had time to think about saying it, you've said it, and then you have to, oops, the daisy. Um maybe I'm um I do a lot more work on on it now, but sometimes spontaneity. Um, you can't always plan.
SPEAKER_04And also just challenging what people's perceptions of therapy might be and people's expectations of what types of questions they're thinking they're gonna be asked.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And I'm also connecting it to this idea of the importance of humor. And yeah, yeah, sometimes humor allows you to move into spaces and sometimes feel quite risky. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yes, they both they both laughed at that, and it was a word pretend to be.
SPEAKER_00But it was also something very serious, isn't it? It was you know, this power and all of yeah.
SPEAKER_03I mean, that's what Barry Mason, you know, would say that uh using humour to get into difficult things, not using humour to avoid them. So I was using humour and that to get into that difficulty, to address that process of her being interrupted, being told what to do when she'd been managing on her own for that length of time, and to avoid the re-establishment of that pattern that had existed before you gone into prison to look at uh how things had changed.
SPEAKER_00I love that. That's really really lovely. Um that intentional use of humor rather than using it to avoid and to create the tension and your own tension that you might feel in a session, but use it as a as a maneuverability, you know, how to get in. It's really great.
SPEAKER_03The humor. Um if I do do something humorous, I'll often, if people laugh and we're talking about something uh serious in their life, but I introduce humor in one way or another, I would, as the laughter is happening, I would say something like, We're laughing about this, but is this serious for you? So to note the seriousness of it, not just, oh, we're making fun of that, hoping that that will do something. And people often say, Yes, this is serious for me. And then how is this serious for you? The the laughter, the humor kind of eases things a little bit. Uh in CMM terms, I think humor is kind of like a lubricant to get from one level to another, to get from what's said to the meaning about what's said, from the what's said to um the um implications for people's lives and their identity and so on. So for that woman to say, how long have you had to pretend to be stupid? Her identity as an intelligent person was being challenged every time he she had an idea, but he would he chipped away and altered it and things like that. That can either await your sense of self, can't it? Always having your idea not just accept it as a good idea, you know, let's go with that. But saying, Oh, well, we could do it like that, no, that won't work, and things like that. So using that humor perhaps give us the chance of having access to those different levels, those different aspects of her experience and his experience too.
SPEAKER_04I was I was wondering, it's really helpful how clearly, and you've explained really using humour with that for therapeutic intention, I suppose is the words I'd put to it. It made me curious about humour in your life that's got you to that point, the role it plays.
SPEAKER_03Well, uh on a serious note, um, I grew up in a family where alcohol, well, a lot of in Newcastle in the Northeast, alcohol is a a rich part of the culture in many different ways, celebratory, problematic, uh, and so on. And the family I grew up with played a strong part and not a good part often. Uh, parties, other events were spoiled, alcohol-fueled arguments and so on. If you could crack a joke in the middle of that tension, there's sometimes the tension dissolved. I learned from early on that I could say something and people would laugh, and suddenly the the aggression or the potential violence, not always, but would would dissolve this, say, oh, and that would just kind of ease, and then people would not proceed with that. So that was I think that was part and parcel of it. And I think that poverty and economic hardship in the northeast is strong, and I think laughing at adversity, um, I think is a strong part of a cultural thing. Um, not taking yourself too seriously. So that I think that was part of growing up. And uh I happen to be, you know, have that as part. I don't know if I learned it or whether but it was evident early on. But then I think I did it too much. And I had a um a transformative moment with my middle daughter, Lucy, who's one of the best people to address a difficult topic in a very gentle way, that allows you to reflect on it and not defend against it. And we're sitting down one night and said uh, she said something, and I cracked a joke or and she said, in all seriousness, but gently, she said, Dad, you make a joke out of everything, you know. And that was kind of stunning that. Um, and thankfully I didn't say it, no, I didn't, no, I don't. There are those temptations to, and uh so I just we moved on to think of something, but that's that experience stayed with me, and I noticed myself after that, and now holding back sometimes, not always taking the opportunity to um say something funny and so on, even if people laugh, it might be so um that's to be more measured, um, more selective. Um that that's sort of being part of my life in that way.
SPEAKER_00Thank you for sharing that personal story, Jonas. Um I'm thinking about in your role as a supervisor, as a trainer, in um how you might encourage therapists um or students who might have the other aspect of a difficulty not holding back humor, but in kind of leaning into humour and allowing themselves and yes, well, how you might uh support someone's development or encourage them. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um well, it is interesting. Some people have students and supervisor, in their lives, they're quite a humorous person, but in therapy they don't dare. And so um I think that's when if you can hu theorize you know think theory, talk ordinary, but also talk ordinary, think theory. If you can theorize something like that, then you can if you do something in therapy and it doesn't go how you intended, can you give an account of why you did it? Not just oh, I thought it was a clever thing to say, or you know, oh I didn't mean it, or it's justn't very um satisfactory for the person who's maybe been on the receiving end, but if you can give an account to yourself and to other people, the purpose of that that usually works so that so if you're you're gonna use the humor that you use in your personal life and your professional life, can you think of um why you might be doing that? How that's as an ethical posture, how that's meant to be sucrant or empowering, or you know, to theorize that humor. The first thing I do I've there's a workshop I've done on humor a few times. The first rule is I think the first person you should laugh at is yourself. Make fun of yourself a few times, and then people get the sense of that, and then you might say to a mom, a dad, you know, a teenager, what do you make fun of yourself about? You know, what do you think you do that's funny? You know, and you think, oh, how do I keep doing that? To invite them into a self-reflexive posture through what do you laugh about at yourself about, what do you laugh at each other about? And things like so you introduce that as a concept. Say, how does that help you to um you know to uh be a bit more um tolerant of each other when you laugh at yourself, when your husband laughs at himself for doing that? What effect does that have on your ability to be patient with them or to be tolerant? So you're introducing it in a way that with a purpose, a therapeutic purpose. I think that's some of the ways which um we can help to don't know if you can learn it, but um well, there are patterns, aren't there? There are patterns of humor that you can learn, there are patterns of questions. Maybe you can.
SPEAKER_04I I can't resist the the obvious thing to speak to you about social graces. So my way into that will be linking your relationship to humor somewhere to geography in where you grew up in the Northeast, which was really helpful. Um and it sort of takes me back, I suppose, into thinking about what what graces sort of were you were drawn to in terms of maybe in your early days as a family therapist.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Well, my early days of family therapist were I think I was a marital therapist from when I was about seven or eight with my parents. I'm an only child, and so that you know that when things were not good between them, I was often involved. I was born into a three uh small terraced house, a railway house. My granddad was a railway driver, so he had the house um because he was a railway driver, and there were three families living in there. And then um my nana moved with us when um we moved into a council flat. You know, breeze block walls, you could hear everything arguments, laughter, all sorts of things. You know, you could sit on the loo and have a conversation with somebody in the kitchen because uh that there's a dividing wall in there. So um what was the question? Which of the social oh so early days as family therapists. So they were my early days and negotiating between my parents and so on and being involved in their relationship. I found when I started doing family therapy, I thought, I've done this before. You know, this is nothing new. And I just found I had the ability to talk with people about difficulty, I could tolerate loud conversations, um, arguments, but without getting too distressed. You know, if you've grown up in a peaceful house, I think it's difficult when you first encounter as a family therapist. I think accent, I I it softened my accent. Uh I speak with an accent not necessarily dialect now. And I think when I I was in York, Bradford, Birmingham, doing family therapy, and I think when you've got a different accent, people pick that up and ask you about it, then you can ask them. So that kind of voice difference can just start a conversation where you're from, what you're doing down here, that kind of stuff, and it allows you to say where you're from, what you how did you get here, and things like this, so that your difference can um and I use that even in the same country. I think I might say to a teenager, um, you know, um, where I come from, if a if a son talks like that to his mother, his mother would, his dad would say something, or his mother would say something to him. What happens to you when you talk to your mother like that? You know, so I'm using that. That happens there, what happens here? So I think it doesn't have to be between nations, it can be geographical areas you can use that. Class was a huge thing, and um I think more noticeable, and I came into social work um on that kind of basis uh of wanting to help people who um part of the therapy was um I saw that one of the rules in therapy was that people said you have to be clients have to be psychologically minded which usually meant people who talked more middle class. And what was that Bernstein? I don't know if you know in 1961 Bernstein about extended and restricted codes of talking, and the working class was said to have restricted codes, um, and the middle class and upper classes had extended codes that had a bigger vocabulary that could describe, you know, working class people didn't have um sufficient vocabulary to be able to describe their feelings and engage in therapy, and that seemed grossly unfair to me, you know. Um, and I thought there's something wrong with the therapy, not something wrong with the people. And so that's been one of my things to make it more accessible. Um, and so that was why I tried not to change the way I talked too much. Um, enough to be understood, but not enough to deny that part of my heritage and history and so on. So I think that was uh so there's class, uh geography, accent, um and I think a humour is an ability um there um even though when I went to Birmingham and that was a much more cosmopolitan area, I don't race became more um not immediately employment was a big thing. When I first moved to Birmingham and people a young lad was on um a supervision order and he came in one day and said uh a black lad and um he said I've given up, I've left my job. And I thought, well, you've what? You've left your job. So in that moment it was not race, but employment. Uh I couldn't understand the idea that you would give up because it when you when you got a job in the northeast, you tried to hang on to it, you know, because um unemployment was always high. And he said, It's all right, I've got another one. So in an area moving to an area where it was had higher employment, that was some of the differences I noticed. Um but when I started working with Queenie Harris, who is Indian, female, Christian, psychiatrist, um, middle to upper class from in India and here, um our differences began to um in terms of gender, occupation, race, gender, uh, faith, uh, religion. If there'd been a matching service then for team members, you wouldn't have put us together, I don't think. But we worked together, you know, 25 years and our friends to this day. Um, and some of our we had some really robust discussions about our differences, but we always knew the relationship was strong enough to tolerate those differences that we might fall out a bit, but we'd come back together and then talk it through about what we meant by what we'd said and things like this. Yeah. And we each needed each other.
SPEAKER_00And we we wanted to ask a bit about those early influences, some of those key people for you that kind of piqued your interest in systemic psychotherapy and and and put you on the kind of trajectory to becoming the the type of therapist that you you've become, you know, you you've constructed feet um over the years. So I I know you've mentioned Brian Cade. Yeah, yeah. Um I mean maybe you could say more about Brian, but or for other other key people in in the early days for you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Um yes, I had quite an interesting um um early beginning. Uh can you have a late beginning? Um, although sometimes in family sessions, if somebody begins. Somebody starts. I'll turn to somebody. I'll say, if you'd begun the session, how would you have begun? If you'd begun the session, so you can have more than one beginning in the session. Um, the first book I read was Virginia Satyas, Conjoint Family Therapy. And um Roger Adams was uh on my my first social work placement. I was at the did the course at York, which was run by Dorothy Stockwittiger, who was a group psychotherapist who worked with Yallum and wrote the book on. So there were only 20 of us, and it was quite a psychotherapeutically oriented social work training I had. And I was going to do a probation placement. I was going to do a probation placement because I thought I ought to. And then I um I fell through and they said, but there's a place in this adolescent psychiatry unit, as they were called then. And I jumped at that. I somehow was interested in that. Yes, I want to do that. So I went there. Roger Adams, social worker family therapy, did. He lent me his book on families and family therapy by Minutrian. I bought Virginia Satias conjoint. Red, red, red, red, red, red. And then he went to the hospital under traction. And I had the names of addresses of six families in the Leeds and Bradford area. And I was going doing home visits, reading a bit of the book, going in, coming out halfway through, reading the rest of the chapter and things like it. I was going at the same hospital for supervision. And he had to pretend I was his nephew from the Northeast to stay longer. Oh, he's come all the way, so can he have an hour? And um, so I was autonomous early on, but uh anyway. Then I went to train uh at Cardiff, um, and because I wanted to be trained by Brian Cade, I'd seen his workshops, I was mesmerized by what he could do. And when I got there, I was put in Philippa Seligman's group, and I was disappointed I didn't know her, and I really wanted to be in his group, but I was so pleased I was in her group by the end. Brian was so brilliant. He would sit like this behind the screen with his group, silent, thinking, great thoughts, we thought. Then he'd pick up the phone, ring to bring ring through to the therapist, something brilliant, put the phone down, back to stroking his beard. So you never learnt what he was thinking, why he did what he did. It was just brilliant, you know. Philippa, um in her group, she would talk you through things. She'd say, I see what's happening now is so and so and so and so. And in a moment, I'm gonna ring through uh and suggest that this. So once you rang through, you saw the what she was intending, the effect of what she was tending. You say, see, now that's just and if they can stay on that line, that might help to bring the voice of the child in or do this and so on. And so that was a wonderful experience for me. Bibi Speed joined the family um um institute when I was there. Um, I'd known her from York, but um Bibi's a big influence, uh, lifelong friend, but the way she thinks, where she's so she'll ask the question that everybody's thinking, and nobody dare ask. And she's just um great like that. So while I was traveling down to Cardiff on Monday and Tuesday, Carl Tom had come to Birmingham um on a sabbatical for a year. Um, and he'd come that he would have gone to London if it had been his choice. It was his his first wife, Winnie, it was her choice um to come. She was to earn a master's degree in theology at Birmingham University, so they came to Birmingham and he was looking for somewhere to uh continue his clinical practice and so on. Um, and so I went down to Cardiff Monday and Tuesday with uh Philippa and Brian, and then I had uh Carl Tom on Fridays. So that was my training. Then in June of that year, Colum had made contact with Luigi and Gianfranco, and we had Luigi and Gianfranco to do a workshop in Birmingham in June. So my that year, my training was packed with Cardiff, with Carl Tom, with Luigi and Jan Franco, just learning so much from them. And we had Luigi and Jan Franco come back um for the next three years, and we went to Milan and um presented on their um summer school and things like that. So those that was my early influences, all a big um kaleidoscope of ideas and and ways of doing things. It is interesting to compare people who've only known the reflecting team and they don't know what we used to do beforehand, you know, and I think we could revive some of that in a different way. But one of the things, Philippa would be behind the screen, and she would write out a message on a piece of paper, and we she'd give it to us, and we would read that out to the fact at the end. Um and this time I said to Philippa, I want to I want you to tell me what the message is, and I want to go in and deliver it without reading it out. This is I want to do that um today. This is part of my plan. So she said, Okay, I think you should say something like da da da da. I said, okay, got that. So I went in the room, sat down, and the message went out of my head. And I said, I've got something to say, and it's very important. Still didn't come to you as a mother, and it's very important to you as a father. I was just trying to play for time until it came in. And Philip I said she should have I could say you'd forgotten, and I was just about to ring through. And on the third one, I said, and it's important to you as a son, and I remembered, and I said, because da-da-da-da-da-da. And so she didn't need to bring through, but that was there. Funny.
SPEAKER_00And is that ringing through? Is that the kind of the old part of the old Milan approach of that bringing that kind of formulation or Milan? A pre-Melan.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and going in, the supervisor. Uh I do as a supervisor now. I go into the room and do something with the family, um, uh, and then hand take over from the the trainee or the therapist, do something with the family, hand back to the trainee and and leave, or bring through. We used to have earbugs as well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, uh I find the idea of someone settling, earbugs in your ear, and I'd almost feel tempted to just say you speak. But yeah, I mean, that's just me now. I imagine at the time if it could be used in a way that's very useful.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah. Some people didn't like it. I didn't like it. I didn't like the idea of somebody else's earwaxing. But uh some people, you could talk to them, you have to have a skill, you have to press the button and they could hear the click. And then you would pause and then you'd say something. Uh ask the dad, dum, to dum, da-dum. So you just gave them that live supervision. Some people could do that without anybody knowing that somebody was telling that. Other people said to the family, just a moment, they're just saying something to me. Okay, thank you. And then they would say, What they've asked or suggested is this. So that could uh be a way. The telephone gave a context marker, you would ring through, everybody would hear it. We could do playfully, sometimes I would ring through and say, I'd like to speak to the eldest daughter. So instead of speaking to the therapist, you would really, yeah. And the daughter said, Hello, I said uh's John, and uh you know you've met me before. And um, I was just wondering if in the next five minutes or so, um, without saying anything, you could just surprise your parents in one way or another. I just want to see how they respond to you when you do something that they're not expecting you to do. Could you do that? And it and she might say, Yeah, I can, and something like that. So you can use it playfully and communicate um in that way. There's all sorts of things. One of the things I think is that originality can become orthodoxy, and the reflecting team has become was such an original idea. It broke through many um glass walls, if you like, you know, it broke through the screen, it made it more um transparent, it made more egalitarian, it made all sorts of things, but now it's become orthodoxy. You know, if you don't know all of the other things you can do, that you know, and you can go through and you sit there and reflect and say, What do you hear about inflections and so on and so forth? It's become a bit orthodox. I can't speak for everybody, people do it differently. But uh, I do think sometimes you if you don't know why, if you can't say we're doing this because of this, this, and this, rather than we do this because we do this, you know. Uh and Mara Salvini Palazzoli said that um when something becomes predictable, it's less likely to be therapeutic. Now, you don't want everything to be unpredictable, you want some regularity, some routine. But if you just fall into that routine, so it's done without thinking. For example, if you're in the beginning of a session, typically people say, How are things? in one way or another, they'll ask the client or the family, how are things? How have things been? What's been happening? Something like that. And I recognize that as a routine. Um, and sometimes I say, should we start the session by talking about what's been happening for you or what's been happening for me? And every time I've asked that, people say, Oh, what's been happening for you then? Now I mean in relationship to the work, what's been happening for me. Not, oh, I've been on a great weekend. Though that might be interesting, you know. But to say we it doesn't have to be that you always have to say what's been happening. I can say what's been happening for me in relationship to the work that we're doing together. I might have said, I've thought you about you a lot since the last session. And the thought that keeps coming to mind is this. Oh, I've thought a lot about the questions I start to ask and never ask you. And I'm wondering what's holding me back from asking those questions. Or I haven't thought about you at all, and I usually think about you. And I'm wondering, am I getting more confident in you about you and things? So that you know, you starting off sometime to see what, and they can ask you questions about those things. So that's moving from you know, originality, orthodoxy, and then just challenging that a bit and adding some variety into it.
SPEAKER_04Thanks, John. I I want to ask you a question, and around actually, I think around you being a part viewer, I'm alright, thinking it was 48 years. That's what you said, yeah. And I think when we were preparing for this, I was so I was aware that you'd been there for a a big for your career, big part of it. Is it a big part, isn't it? It's not is it all of it? I don't know. I'm not sure about, so forgive me. But for 48 years, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Most of it because in 1990 I went down to KCC.
SPEAKER_04Oh, yeah, okay, there you go.
SPEAKER_03So I was um I was full-time there. Uh I was employed by Birmingham Social Services, but working at Parkview. And then in 1990, they created a um KCC offered me uh director of training, and I said, and they made a three, that was when they made a three a part-time family therapy post. That was one of the first in the country, I think.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_03Um, so I did three days at it was Charles Burns clinic, um, then Parkview Clinic. Um, three days as a family therapist there, employed by the National Health Service. That was from 1990, and two days down at KCC, uh, director of the therapy, um, systemic therapy and the um supervision course. And I did that for about 10 years.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, thank you. And and yeah, and I think I think I guess I don't know, my my experience so far is that people move around so much, and and it really stood out for me that you've you know you've you've stayed in, you've stayed where you've stayed, and you've started talking a bit about reflecting teams. And I was wondering, and even I was I was trying to formulate this question before, and I'm really hoping I'm gonna be able to come up with it now. But what I was curious about was is there something about the staying of somewhere? Or what is it, or is there anything you can think of that kind of has supported your development reflection on practice? Like you're to you, you know, you're going back to talking about how reflecting teams might have changed and what the value is of what was there. Like, are there other things like how how I don't know if there's something you can add, you understand where I'm trying to go?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, uh we did discuss this one, John. Um, I guess it's um thinking about what affordances that longevity and that experience of working in that same team for over the years in learning about change and learning about yourself and being in that same type of work for all of those years. What what what that has given you really?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, thank you.
SPEAKER_03Well, it's given me um well, that's gonna it's interesting. I was gonna say security, but that's always a worry. I think one of the things from the Northeast is uh I always uh had the worry about job security, and I think that um that's one of the ways to work hard. You know, if you get a job, you want to make yourself indispensable in the ways, so you work hard. So if somebody's asked to leave, it's not you, just you do things and so on. Um, and I didn't have a formal power position. You know, I was employed, I wasn't employed by the NHS, I was employed by an external body who could take me out of there. Um then um I was working with psychiatrists and psychologists who uh I think had a lot more formal power in the health service than a social worker or and then family therapist that were the newest discipline in that way. Um and but it offered me security in a way through the relationships I developed. I think that nursing, the thing was to make yourself useful, uh, working class um idea value of working hard and contributing. And so there was other colleagues, you know, Paula Forrester, Kate Insley, nurses who trained systemically and out got senior uh positions and starting up the training program that me and Queen just started, and we had the freedom to do that, you know. Um, and we went foundation, intermediate, qualifying, and we developed that together, talked together, traveled together, wrote together. So the relationships are uh, I mean, that was a professional partnership that went on many, many years, and um we supported each other. Um, so those kind of relationships are I think what helps you to endure um what you get from them, what you give to them. Um so my second marriage was in Birmingham, um that uh Alison Robert Hall, who um were married, and that was um she's from Birmingham, and so but she wasn't in Birmingham when we met, and she moved back to Birmingham, and so uh children in Birmingham and their connections and things, so that um that's why we I was always tempted to Geordie's are always talking about moving back to Newcastle, but um uh I I had an opportunity to go back and didn't take it. Uh I thought leaving once was difficult, leaving twice would be impossible, so I didn't didn't go back, but I was up there regular because my eldest child was in when the she went back to Newcastle, and so I was up every third weekend and connected to university there and and so on. But I had the variety uh from 1990 being in Birmingham and working in the health service and then working at KCC, which was a completely different organization. This huge structure of the NHS and the tiny structure of KCC, you know, the the funded NHS and the getting by you know of its own income. It didn't have any benefactors, it had to survive on what it made, but it had the freedom, you know, to um develop. We used to say today's crazy idea is tomorrow's diploma. You know, so I had that best of both worlds in that way.
SPEAKER_00We were we were quite interested in what you've learned over your years of training, supervising, as well as your own development of the clinical development as a family therapist, of the process of kind of um embodying or becoming our values, our theory, our our ethics, and because I you know, these they you get these kind of big ideas of like the not knowing position or second order cybernetics, and there's one thing understanding it academically or intellectually, I guess, but then being in the room and being able to actually present it. And uh I'm interested in some of your ideas about that becoming yeah, I I think it's a continual process.
SPEAKER_03I don't think you get to second order and stay there. I think you're always oscillating between first and second order. Occasionally you touch on a third order, but sometimes people wander around in the one 1.5 order, according to Jed, which I think is a novel idea. Um I think the team and being having being observed by people and people being able to um live supervise and not wait till the end. You see, I think this is where the um uh the previous model of live supervision, calling the therapist out, um, is some was sometimes useful. I'll give you an example. I was working with a father, and this is Queenie watching me behind the screen. It's a matter of trusting people. Can do you trust in that moment um what some what somebody's observed about your part? You know, you're observing the family and relating to them. Behind the screen, they're observing the family and you. That's a system that they have the opportunity to observe. And the chance from behind the screen, the the part of the system that they've got most chance of influencing is you. So if they call you out and they shift your position, that might enable other positions to shift in the room. And I was working with um. Father and two daughters came first session. Um the mother had died a year ago and one daughter was eighteen, another daughter was I think fifteen. And presently she was the youngest daughter was um crying quite a bit, lost interest in her hobbies, um, her grades at school were coming down and so on. Now, whatever model of therapy you're involved in, you might make some connection between the death of the mother a year ago and this girl's um this young woman's uh sadness, crying, deterioration. So I said to the father, what effect do you think the death of their mother had on the girls? Expecting him to say, well, and that would be he said, none at all. I don't think that's the reason for this. I think that um the school set too much homework. I think teenagers fall in and out of their friendships, I think the hobbies, she's just and he just I was so shocked that he didn't see any connection. So I began to press gently, I was asking him questions, and I was really, I wasn't persisting, I was insisting. And there's quite a difference between persistence and insistence, and I was squeezing him, you know, but all all the time, me feeling virtuous. And the more he said the what the interaction I saw, the more he denied and said it's not nothing to do, the more the girls cried. They were crying in the session. The more the girls cried, the more he denied, the more he denied, the more they cried. And that's the interaction I saw. Queenie, after a while, I knocked on the door. I came out. She said, What's happening is the more you're pressing that dad, the more he's saying no. The more you say no, the more girls are crying, the more the girls are crying, that's influencing you to press him more. So she saw me in that. Now I could I could have said, he's just cold-hearted, you know, this guy's got to realize. I could have continued in that, but I accepted her view and saw my partner in it. I think that's when we a moment, you can either accept those invitations to a second order position, or you can say, no, I'll stick with the first order position and things like that. So I went back into the room and I stayed with the death of the mother, but I shifted to the girls and I said, What effect do you think um the death of your mum had on your dad? And they said, We don't think it's affected him either. And I said, Why do you say that? And they said, uh, he's hidden all her photographs. He's redecorated, he's done this, he's done that, and the other, as if she didn't exist. Then as they were saying that, he says, I haven't forgotten her. He says, I do that because you cry and I I don't know what to do. He says, I just want to help you to be happy again. And I just thought if I put our photographs away, that would stop you being reminded of her. I thought if I changed the room, that would do something. And you could see his attempts, and they had never talked about this. So me shifting, repunctuating that position, accepting my part and what I was doing, shifting from chasing him to recognize this, staying on the death of my butt repunctuating, asking the girls. Then this came out, you know, and the girls saw how he was affected. He was saying, uh, well, I know it. It's got to have something to do, but I I don't know how to. I said, if if you if it had been you that had died and your wife that had lived, how might things have changed? He said, Well, she knew what to do with this. This is all new to me. I have no idea about what to do. I want to do something, but I don't know what to do. And then the work that really moved it on. So that accepting your part in this. So I think you need a team to help you to do that and trust other people to do that. And then when when you haven't got anybody, you have their voice, um, you have their influence, you can catch yourself, say, what's going on here? What's my part in this? How can I shift, you know, in order that they can shift and so on. So I think that's the relationship between first and second, and perhaps a I think third order is when you include the is through relational reflexivity when you when the family are invited and involved in shaping the kind of therapy that they're receiving, is how I think about that.
SPEAKER_00You've written a lot, haven't you? But before I say that, thank you for sharing that story, John. It was a really moving story. Um and it's interesting how these moments with families live with us and and really shape us and really become a resource for us as therapists, aren't they? As people, but not even as therapists, you know. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04And and colleagues, really, I think, in terms of challenging us and inviting us to do things. It made me think back to the beginning of this conversation, actually, just in terms of risk taking and if that's nurtured enough amongst each other as colleagues.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_04That's the question that I've got in my mind now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And trust being an important ingredient to cultivating.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Take it on trust if you can to see what effect that has. But that might be you know, as well as with us becoming more much more cautious, and that's a resource sometimes with families, we may well be coming to very cautious with each other. You know, which is uh, you know, we don't want to be um rude with each other and um disrespectful of each other in that way, but sometimes we might not help each other um in that way. And I think you're right about the the I remember the things I remember are not oh where the family may have changed, but I've definitely changed. Those are the things I remember. I remember that because I remember that my light bulb turning on there. Um I began to think more like this, that helped me to do this and so on, as well as the family um benefiting.
SPEAKER_04There are so many places, John, that we could go, and I'm so conscious of um of time and the time that we've taken and the time that we've got left with you. Um and there's so many contributions that you've that you that you've made to family therapy. Um one of the questions that we've got is that what are questions you would hope to be asked about your contributions to the field? And I'm I'm asking that because of partly because of the time we've got.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Uh well, I think you should ask me, how come I've become such a fashion icon?
SPEAKER_04Julie actually did want to ask about that. That is one of the questions I wanted to ask you.
SPEAKER_02Was it sortorial? Sartorial, elegant.
SPEAKER_00What was the footwear, Julie, that you you'd wanted to inquire about?
SPEAKER_04Socks, sandals, trousers, well, there's trousers. The top the tops can vary. I mean there's quite a few different shirts, loud shirts, but we've got the sporty, the sporty one today.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03I'm not the the the young people call me croc man.
SPEAKER_04That sounds like it could be a a rapper, the name of a rapper.
SPEAKER_03It could be, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's uh, I mean, well, I think currently, what what's going on currently might be. Um I've talked to us historically about Philippa, Brian, Carl, Luigi and Jan, because Luigi and Jan Franco were the first people, you know, I'd read Minution, Haley, Virginia Satya, um uh Bosmaninage and others. Um, but I hadn't met them. Luigi and Jan Franco were the first people that I met and talked to. I met Piers and Cronin and had lots of conversations with them. And developed a different relationship between your relationship with theory might well be related to your relationship with theorists. When you meet them as people, John Schotter, Matsurana, Piers and Cronin, you know, when you met these people, you realized they're human beings, they're fallible. You know, sometimes if you read the theory too neatly and think that's it. And then you meet uh you talk to them and things like this, and uh so um John Shotler was in a reflecting team at KCC once. He came to lecture and then he joined our reflecting team. I thought, stick to theory, John. There's a big gap between you know, this theory, and until we therapists do something with it, it remain there remain interesting ideas. Practitioners underestimate their part in making and bringing theory alive and making it useful to families. We've got to do something with it. You know, we've got to interpret CMM, Maturana's ideas, attachment theory, um, you know, coordinated management of meaning. You know, so those kind of things have all got to be shaped in into questions or actions and things like this, um, before we before they can be useful. So there's an important relationship between theory and theorists. And Matirana, you know who multiverse are and no such thing as truth, and uh da da da. But we were at a conference, and Philippa Seligman went up to him and she said, uh, this is how I've understood what you've been saying this morning. And he went up to her and he put his her face in his hands like this, and he says, My darling, or my dear, my dear, you are so wrong. And I thought, you said all of this thing about interpretation, there's no such object, there's no objective, you are wrong. And somebody said to him about autopiesis, said, if you're saying this, you're saying you are God, and he said, Yes, in this I am God, because I created it. So meeting these people, and you think, Oh, hang on a minute. So I've had that look, but currently um I'm involved with uh in aft in the um in Birmingham. Uh Parvine Co. Um has been you know part and parcel of our training program and is now the head of the training program, and it's fantastic to see people come up through the training program and then take those kind of positions. And she's going places, taking the training places that I hadn't imagined. She is brave. I resist describing people as brave and things like this. They should describe themselves, but I think she's bold, brave, clever, and she's taken the training. And I'm running the supervision course with Rabbina Singh, and I learned so much about different ways of supervising with Rabbina um over the years and so on. The um Aft Diversity Working Parties, um Amy Uries, I think, uh developed those out before the Black Lives Matter group was inspirational. And then I'm in the race group in the AFT, and colleagues Shakira, Sharon, Calvin, Prudencia, Anne Marie, Maria, and I'm sure other uh Caitlin, uh, people who are keeping me alive, you know, and making me glad that I've kept going. You know, there's a keeping going in persistence, but there's the kind of things that people, how they are with you. They're interested in what I have to say. I'm I still feel like I'm relevant. Um they add to what I know, give different perspectives and so on. So it's a very exciting time to be part and parcel of this field, I think. I feel that anyway. Still feel excited about it. That's amazing, that isn't it? Don't you think that's amazing to be involved in the field for so long and still feel excited and looking forward to it? You know, it's hard work, you know, but I do feel that, and uh I wouldn't have imagined that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that it feels like a real um gift to oneself. And I I I have thought about the uniqueness of um I say psychotherapy, but I'm thinking about it like the helping profession, you know, dedicating yourself to the helping profession and really taking the opportunity to read and learn and all about this stuff, and it's not just enriching your work and your profession, but it's enriching yourself and your old family relationships. And there isn't many careers that can encompass all of that. So I wonder if that really um keeps some of the fire going.
SPEAKER_03It was uh reminds me of when my dad was alive, and when I went back home to Newcastle, I'd um uh go to the workmen's club with him and sit around with his mates, and um uh they called they didn't call me John, that was my formal name. Uh or it is I was called Jackie at home. A lot of men in the Northeast, Johns are called Jack, and uh my mother called us Jackie because she wanted a girl, and so I was a huge disappointment from the beginning. But he called me Jack and his mates called me Jack, and uh we'd sit around there about six or seven of them and drinking. And um at some part in the conversation, one of them one of them would say, Hey Jack, let's have a look at your hands. And so I'd I knew what was coming, and uh I'd put my hands and then say, Oh, nice smooth hands, them Jack. Meaning that you haven't you don't use them in manual work and things, no blisters and stuff like that. So I'd have to say, get up and say, Yeah, but you should see the blisters on my backside from sitting over there. So uh you have to be prepared to be made fun of and make fun back and make yours make fun of yourself and so on. Be prepared, yeah.
SPEAKER_00I really want to ask this question and hoping that you've got time to answer it, but yeah, yeah. Um I'm all right, just relax. Okay, thank you. Um thinking about um, I've heard you talk about this before, but the importance of roleplay. Role play one in training. So I I I'm one of the tutors on the course here in in um at the Tavistock. And every time the word roleplay comes up, and I say, oh, today we I'm hoping that we might do a roleplay, there's always this kind of tension or people hesitancy. Um and I've recently used what you said actually in another, I think it was another podcast, where you spoke about the kind of the the if it sounded like, and I don't want to misquote you, but the kind of the respectful nature on the importance of roleplay, of practicing what you're about to do with a family, with a person. So it's not the kind of first time you're doing it. Yeah. Yeah, just hearing your thoughts more about the importance of roleplay.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Um, starting off as a structural therapist and therapy, the idea of enactment, when words are sometimes just not enough, and people just people sometimes can't describe the processes that they're part of. What they describe is what somebody else does, you know, or maybe what they do. But looking at that and so say, can you show me? Can you have a conversation? So they enact it, which is kind of like a real play or a role play, something. So it's usefulness in with families and helping families rehearse things differently. Um, I helped the dad um when he went to have contact with his daughter on a Saturday, and the conversation on the doorstep was often conflictual. Him, he and his ex-u-wife, um, the mother of his daughter, and and so on, they would end up arguing. And so I role-played with him, his journey to that front door, and what was his thinking. So we could talk about it, but he was a man of few words in his own admission. So I said, okay, let's get up our chairs and let's walk. Well, yeah, do you do you drive? Do you get the bus? Yeah, he said, I get the bus. Um, um, so I get off the bus and I said, How far is it? Um, what are your thoughts as you're going? What are you rehearsing saying? Are you anticipating? I'm anticipating and say you're late, or um, you haven't paid the money in, or she needs this, and then me saying, you know, why are you going on at me? He was so is anticipating that, and she might have been anticipating that. And I said, Okay, let's walk towards the door. I said, So are you anticipating having a going there on that standing on that front on that doorstep as an ex-partner or as a dad to your daughter? What are you going to be standing there as? Who are you going to be? And he said, No, he hadn't thought of that. He said, Well, I'm thinking about it. It sounds like you're standing on that doorstep as an ex-partner, and that's the conversation you have back and forth. I said, I want you to go there, right? And when you go there, I want you to get down on your knees so that when the door opens, you're at the level of your daughter, and you say, Woo, or hi. The first conversation you have is with her. That's where you're at eye level with her, something like that, and say something nice about her mother to your daughter. So the first thing you ex her mother hears is you addressing the daughter. That's why you're there to be with her, and say something. And we role-played that. So he had a different, he extended his repertoire, you know. So we role-played that. So I think in therapy, you can help people to rehearse different ways of being, different ways of initiating things. So, role-play in that. When words are just you, if it's just a word, you've got muscle memory. As he's walking next time, he's walking from the bus along the street, that might be with him. You know, that we did that in the therapy. As well as talking about it, you're doing it, you know. And in therapy, in training, I think that it's ethical in some ways to practice what you're going to do with clients. And not, you know, sometimes you do things spontaneously, and you do that's that happens. But other stuff, if you're gonna learn to ask questions, address a difficult topic, propose something quite different, to rehearse that on your own with other people, so that you as well it's getting back to learning something off by heart, so then you can be present with them when you're doing it. It doesn't always work exactly like that, and people don't always respond how you hope they're going to, but I think that's it's an ethical what which of their craft doesn't practice. Which of their craft or occupation? Bricklayers? Do they just go and have a go? Or do they build walls, knock them down, try them again, have instruction, you know, shaping, or somebody shows you how to do it? The apprentice system that's a good working class tradition, apprenticeship. And you can think about training in that way. Watching, observing, copying, practice. I still practice now. On the owner in a room, rehearsing the phrase if I'm going to talk to a student. Student about something, a family, your colleague, one of my children, and say, I want to say something nice. I don't want to just blurt it out. You do sometimes, but anyway, that's the kind of thing. I think it's ethical to practice what you're going to do as best as you can. Then link to relational risk taking. I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I think, and I wish Barry was still alive so I could tell him this. Anyway, if you're listening, Barry. Oh, Barry's an atheist, so um, he's gone to the great reflecting team in the sky, perhaps. Um oh yeah, I just uh caught myself there. I do miss him. I do miss Barry a lot. Um relational risk taking, there's the initiative of taking that risk, and the reasons I think people, what makes relational risk taking relational compared to non-relational risk taking or individual? Barry said something about, you know, because it affects other people, but what makes you dare to take that risk with the person that you're thinking about in some? And there's the initiative of saying something, asking a question, making a statement, um, declaring your feelings, um, something like that. It's a risk that you've thought about it, you've talked to other people about it, but you haven't done it with this person or with these people. And one of the things that stops me is the response that you're gonna get. There's an initiative of speaking those words and saying those things, which you can sometimes you've got to say them and they won't come out of your mouth. But so eventually you do. And one of the things that stops you, the risk is in can I handle the response? So I think in role plays, there's the rehearsal of doing something, and then as what what we did with Queenie and Elizabeth Wade Evans and Linda Stewart, our team in Birmingham. What we would do is say, if we say this, what if they say respond like this? What if they respond like that? What if they respond? So we generate the difficult responses, then we say, Oh, we could say this, we could respond like this, so that we weren't afraid, so afraid, of the responses. We wouldn't be caught on aware. We might be. You know, sometimes you ask an ordinary question, and the answer is extraordinary. So, but that's I think part of their role play. So not just practicing what to say or what to do or how to do it, but in dealing with responses and so on. I should say something about Alice and Robert Hall. Yes, yes.
SPEAKER_04Please do go for it.
SPEAKER_03Um immeasurable, really. Um, I'm so lucky to have met her, to have um were colleagues, partners, parents together. Um, some people say blessed, some people say lucky, some people, you know, whatever it was. Uh um I'm very grateful to be with her. And um she's made immeasurable contributions to she's my first proofreader. When I write something, she'll have a go because I I I don't it's undiagnosed, but uh have a form of dyslexia, um, which means I can write all the words, but they're not always in the right road, or the ideas are and she say, Well, you know, what does this lead on from? And oh yeah, that leads to that, and so on and so forth. So I can read jig. I've got better at doing that myself over the years, but um so in in in that way, patience and tolerance um and forgiveness, which I've benefited from um many times, and so on. Um, and I think as she is that that to me, that's made it improve my ability to be like that with other people, I hope. Not as good as she is, but um we have our differences in religious faiths and so on. Um and sometimes they've that's been attention, but more or less a uh a tolerance towards each other in that respect, a curiosity, an appreciation of those differences. Class differences were enormous to begin with. I'd only ever sort of usually ate on a tray in front of the telly when we got one, into Allison's house, and they'd ate at the dining table and things like this. First time I went there and um I was thinking there was wine on the table, and I was thinking, please don't ask me to pour the wine. Please don't ask me to pour the wine. And dad said, John, please don't ask me.
SPEAKER_02He said, Would you like to pour the wine? I thought, no, I fucking well wouldn't.
SPEAKER_03I said, of course, and did it wrong and that, but um, I said Alison that said to Alison afterwards, um, I did that wrong, didn't I? She said, our aim, the family's aim, she says, is to make guests feel comfortable, not to judge them whether they do things in the same way that we do or they do things right or wrong. They would want you to feel comfortable, and that you did that in a different way that wouldn't be held against you. There are other things that they'll hold against you, but not that. So that's a small mention for Allison.
SPEAKER_04Oh, thank thank you.
SPEAKER_03I've mentioned Lucy, Alison, my eldest daughter, is uh um they're all uh Alison, my eldest daughter, and Nikki, my youngest, who uh we have different relationships. Um, they all still come to see us, go on holiday with us, you know, and things like this. So I feel very, very lucky to have had a life with colleagues who are value and value me and family members and some and friends and etc.
SPEAKER_04Thank you, John. It it takes me back in some ways to your words of to learn something by heart is to put your heart into what you learn. And I think we've managed to get a small little part of your heart in your work, in your personal life, um, and just you as a person today, and I've really, really appreciated you coming. I suppose we like to end with questions about future hopes, really, and you've shared really where you're at and what you're interested in now. And I'm wondering what is in your heart for something to to offer today, it's to end this podcast for the field of family therapy.
SPEAKER_03It's a very powerful question, that I hope family therapy continues to survive. I think that our love for not knowing can be a great resource, it can be a restraint as well. Not declaring what we done, the evidence, and so on. Um I think we've got to be able to learn to do that, as well as not knowing with clients and not be uh being maintaining our curiosity, but um uh humble, being humble um is important, but other therapies are quite confident in setting out what they can do, and I think that uh it's important for us to learn that skill as well. So I hope people do that. Um in fact, we were playing around with you know the Viber that you have at the end of a training course. I thought, I wonder if instead of a Viber we had a job interview. Now, wouldn't that be more uh relevant than the Viber? I'm never very sure now what Viber, I've done hundreds of them. I'm never very sure what the Viber is assessing. It's assessing your presentation skills, so can't really assess your clinical skills in half an hour, 45 minutes, because some people fold the occasion overwhelms them. You know, I've seen people who are really great at therapy and things like this, and just in the vibe, um, and people who are okay therapy and excel in those. So I think what about if we did a job interview in which you um you had to rehearse and how to present yourself, uh, how to present the evidence base, how to answer these kinds of questions. Might that be more important for people's development? So I hope that people will remain humble about it in the right context, but in other contexts, learn to speak out and articulate more the uh benefits and the status of that. We're very generous as a field, giving ideas away, and and you see some people taking off a little section of what we do and making another therapy and evidence-basing it and declaring it and so on. We continue to do lots of different things and without claiming. I mean, the Ivan Eisler and colleagues, and the biggest success in some ways in evidence-based, and it's had a major effect, has been with the um family therapy for anorexia nervosa manual. But um lots of systemic people don't like manuals, you know, it feels too restrictive and so on. But I think you can be learn that, be reverent to it, and creative with it. So I hope that um that that we survive and flourish, um is what I hope for the field.
SPEAKER_00John, thank you so much. Um we we still had so many more things than that, and maybe if there's an opportunity in the future, to take it because the part of the I might be part of the no, I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_03But um the hope for in that the the race group and the work that um they're doing, I think, is um you know, there's a sometimes a a turning point in a field where if you what's that phrase? Paradigm shift is no no poetry, it's gendered, but it's a the time in a man's life when taken at the tide leads on to do you know that one? No, it's about sometimes if you catch the tide and you go with the tide as it's turning, it propels you into a different space, something like that, you know, grass sees the sees the day, oh sees the the day. Those kind of um moments, and I think that we could possibly be, I think, in terms of race and so on, and um kind of the term raceful um as an extension to anti-racism tells you what not to do, and raceful is the work we're doing on that is about if you're not gonna do that, what would you do instead? You know, how do you do that and so on? Um so that's um one of my hopes. Whether I'm part of that, I won't be part of that long term. Um and I hope I hope I recognize when I've stopped being able to do it before other people tell me. John, it's time to stop. Don't wait for somebody else to um to tell you, John, it's time to stop. I hope I do that, but um we've got a few years left yet.
SPEAKER_04Yes, good to hear.
SPEAKER_00Because I'm really interested in all the things that haven't quite made it to publication. You know, you you got oh yeah, well, we should say that we in preparation for this, we reached out to to Parveen, was one of the people. All right, and Abby um as well, and asked for some I I asked it as burnamisms.
SPEAKER_03I don't know if that uh fits in any way, and they get they gave us loads of like little quotes and um and but they did say be really interested to know in the things that haven't yet been made, kind of haven't been public, and I'm sure there's so much more to yeah, to come up with there's about six or so in the um I think I've published about five in the last two years. Um and there's another about six in the offing now. Um PPRR, I think. Um and then quite a few with other people. Um and there's a saying, isn't it, that um what you do on your own dies with you, what you do with other people lives on. And I think that's a nice um phase of doing it with other people. So you're contributing and they can carry that on, and um if it's useful, that is. What have you got from Lesson? Wow.
SPEAKER_04Oh my gosh, so much, isn't it?
SPEAKER_00Absolutely, absolutely. I loved how you spoke about role play, actually, and um because I find myself when I'm driving into work and I know I've got the session, I do it and I do it in my head. Um, but I think being more purposeful with it and actually speaking the words out loud and actually um manifesting it out loud, you know, I think, and being kind of more um yeah, seeing the benefit of it, I found yeah super helpful.
SPEAKER_04I think I really one, I really appreciated your stories about reading a book, going in, trying it, and the bits, you know, it's just it's just made me feel better better about those bits and when you know it's just like I think everyone does it and then to know John Burnham even that's part of it. That was very reassuring. But I think I think the thing actually about where we're at and being too cautious, um not just with families and people, but even with colleagues, I think it's really that's something I really want to go and take away and think about and how because I think trust can be quite what we think of as trust is a bit deceptive. I don't know if that's the right word, but you know what I mean? Um, how can we challenge, be trusting and challenging in a helpful, supportive way to develop each other?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think something another thing that Barry said about sometimes people say that you have to develop trust before you can take a risk. And he says sometimes until you take a risk, you don't develop any trust. That's not always a uh a one-way kind of linear um direction. I think with role play, um I had an experience um relatively recently where it didn't go well, and um that led me to think uh become uh one of my sayings is don't let confidence become complacency. And I say that to families when they're leaving the inpatient unit. You know, you build up your confidence, don't slip into complacency. Oh, we can do that, it doesn't matter if we miss this and da-da-da-da. And same for me as a trainer, sometimes you take shortcuts, um, and you know, that can be a mistake. And I think I upset somebody um uh that wasn't aware at the time, but I found out later. And I've uh now more purposefully do with role players, warming the context. Say this is an invitation, not an instruction. When it's in workshops, when you've it's a brief relationship, when it's on a course and you've got time to go through it. We want you to try at least once, and then you can make an informed choice about whether you want to do that or whether it's for you or not. But um, and some um students are saying now they hardly see practitioners' practice. When I was developing, we saw lots of live interviews, always a bit of videotape, and now that's less and less. So people you'll have to imagine what you you tell them how you do, but that's they don't see you actually make one other trainer said to me, Oh, if you do that, then they'll think you're an expert. You know, I said, whether you do it or not, they'll think you're an expert, they'll imagine you're an expert, but when they see you do it, they'll see you not doing it quite like you say. You'll make mistakes and they'll see, oh, you know, he got, you know, he fumbled his words there, but recovered and he did this, and he didn't get that in the quite the order that he said he was going to do it, you know. They'll see that you can make mistakes and recover and go on and things like this. So I do think there are um there's a place for more role players. There are students all wanted. And in one group recently, I was in guest supervisor, three families, and I went in in each time. We talked about doing something before, the student wasn't doing it. I went in and demonstrated doing it with the family in front of the student, and each of the students said that was really helpful. Said, I was holding back from doing it, think, oh, what if I get it wrong? Uh, maybe next time, um, I'm not sure what how to start it. He came in and did that. I saw the family get engaged with it. I saw the effects of it. Now I feel like I want to do it. So I think that's uh uh a reason for us to show more about doing things.
SPEAKER_00Um this is one of the the kind of the terms that was shared. It's clumsy, not clever.
SPEAKER_03That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Do something. It's better to be clumsy and do something than waiting to be clever and never doing it at all. Families can be forgiving. Trainings can be free if you're a bit clumsy and you say, Look, I'm not sure quite how to say this, but I think it's better that I try to say it than not say it at all. But da da da da. You know, and the family, oh yeah, yeah. And families help you. Say, I don't quite understand that, but I say, Well, how would I ask that that about that? And say, Well, if you said this, so you co-create the question, but you have to take the initiative. Um, because I think there's a lot of talk about a family's engagement in therapy, and I think sometimes that before a family engages in therapy, they want to see that you are willing to engage with them, that you're you are interested in doing this. There was a woman who came from a social service referral many years ago, pile of notes, four, five sets of thick notes. And I asked her um on the telephone, I said, Do you want me to read through those before you come or meet you and then read them? And she said, Oh, I don't want to have to go through all this, read them. So I took some time and I didn't read every word. Then met her for a first session. Now, this is one of the differences between me and Queenie in class, I think. Um, Queenie, as a psychiatrist, said, I don't think we should offer um therapy. I don't think we have anything to offer. We shouldn't make raise hopes unfairly. That's it's not ethical to raise that. So she put that. I said, I don't think it's ethical to say no before we've met them. We should at least meet and then say, I don't think we can. But to say no without that, so she said, Okay, this is your family, you do it. I'm not going to do so. I did that. And um, so I talked with her, and at the end I said, Well, if I'd just made a decision. On reading through these notes, I would have said that there's nothing we can offer you. But having met you, I think there's something about you that makes me feel, yes, I'm willing to give this a go if you are. And she said, What do you mean there's something about me? I said, I don't know. Just something about you that's different from all of these things that is written in here. That you know how you are, how you feel about your kids, how you've you know done in the session. There's just something about you that makes it think, yes, it's worth. I'm willing to give it a go. Are you? So I express a willingness to engage with her, you know, um, if she is, and that there's more to her than meets that than can be uh by the notes. So I think that's a kind of is there a willingness to go that extra mile and um there's one family on the uh inpatient unit, and some families are terrified to engage with us, you know. They're terrified that they're going to be judged. Same-sex couples, you know, um, families who are living a life that's a bit embarrassing in their view, or the neighbors think it's embarrassing. They'll think if they meet with us and we find out about this, that we would be very critical and judge them and so on. And some people do, you know. So you I think you've got a there's one same-sex female couple, and they would drop their daughter off at the top of the stairs. She would go down, buzz the door, the nurse would come, let her in, and they would go. That was so I knew what time they came. So I was there at the top of the stairs when they came. I said, I've been wanting to meet you. And I'm the one that's been sending you letters, inviting you to things. And I just want to come and meet you. Can you can we talk for five minutes? Because I think you're a bit scared to come about what we might think about a same-sex couple, you know, and you might think that we're saying it's because of how you are. That's one thing that I think you might be worried about about us. And they said, Well, yeah, well, other people have been blaming us and say that our families and that are saying it's something to do with that. And I said, uh, look, you can come down now and just have a chat to us, you know. And and so I think sometimes you've got to do that, reaching out um to people before they will engage and make some effort to do that.
SPEAKER_00Thank you, John. I guess in when you said what stuck out for us for me is like this congruence of how you kind of bring all aspects of yourself into kind of your every kind of it feels like every episode, every utterance, and just thinking about where we began of you as an international triathlete, and then hearing you say go in the extra mile. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03That's if you've taken the wrong turn on the course. I did do once two laps of the bike course when I should have only done one in a competition, yes.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, John, uh thank you so much. It's real, real good. Really love talking with you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I've enjoyed it, thank you very much.
SPEAKER_00Thank you, thank you, John.
SPEAKER_03Have a good evening, John for inviting me. I'm really pleased and to be invited and to be taken seriously, and um uh so appreciatively. Thank you.
SPEAKER_00Thank you, John. Thank you. Have a good evening, good weekend. Nice night. Take care. Bye bye.